It was also time for a 6 month CT scan, which meant a long day in the hospital. Willie and I drove to Madison and met Brad at noon at the hospital. We met in the parking garage, parked on the roof like we always do. We rode the elevator down to the ground floor, and walked through the hospital doors together...the smell of disinfectant and cafeteria food hitting me in the face, making me feel sick. Too many memories of those revolving doors....walking through them for biopsies, CT scans, MRI, 3 surgeries, 28 days of radiation. It makes me sick...every. single. time.
Like I said, the day was long, so I'm gonna bi-pass the details. Here's the short (haha) version: I get an IV, drink 3 tall glasses of "contrast" flavored with powdered lemonade (the 1st glass is ok, the 2nd is tolerable, the 3rd makes me want to throw up) over the period of an hour, get a CT scan, get diarrhea from the contrast, wait for appointment with gynecology oncologist (I am now free to eat & drink for the first time that day since the scan is over, but I'm too nervous and sick to stomach anything), wait for the doctor with the scan results, wait for the doctor, wait for the doctor...& finally see the doctor, get the results, have the exam/pap, schedule my next appointment....90 days from Wednesday. This process totaled 4/1/2 hours and left me feeling.....great! Clean CT scan results will do that to you every time!!
Even though I received my good results, for the 6th time in the 18 months that I've been cancer free (woo woo!), it's still overwhelming. To receive good news is overwhelming, to wait for the appointment is overwhelming, to worry and to try not to worry, and to pray and to plead, and to try to understand and justify...it's all just so overwhelming. So, it's hard. And, worst of all, it strains my relationships...with my family, with my husband, with my son. I yelled at Willie Wednesday morning. ME...I never yell...and I did. I yelled at him, and the minute I did I felt like the worst mom in the world. Luckily, he's 23 months, and he didn't care...actually he laughed. He laughed and I cried. Maybe he laughed as a defense mechanism, I don't know. But, I cried because I was overwhelmed. I was scared, I was trying to brush my teeth before I drove to the hospital, and I was scared...the kind of scared that makes your bones ache. I hope you don't know what I'm talking about.
It strains my relationship with Brad. I get stressed and I get tense and I can't think of anything or anyone else. A day or two before my appointment I stop functioning. I can't cook, or clean, or do the dishes. I can't. I try not to let this happen, but inevitably it does. About every 88 days, the roller-coaster slows down and comes to a halt. So, I neglect the man that I love the most. And, he understands. He's been there with me the whole time...holding my hand during a biopsy, rubbing my neck before I'm taken to the OR, smiling at me as I wake up from surgery, taking care of Willie when I couldn't, treating me to margaritas after receiving good results, and being there, always, always being there.
As we got back to our cars, Wednesday, on the roof of the parking ramp, I realized I was exhausted. I was hungry...really hungry. I had a headache, a throbbing tension headache. Did I mention I was exhausted? Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I've been a Christian as long as I can remember. I thought I had faith, but looking back, I can now see how shallow it once was. And, it's still growing, trust me! I've been praying for a long time. But, over the past 2 years my prayers have changed a lot. Instead of "heal me", I pray for God to give me strength, as I know He's always with me. Instead of "show me why", I pray for patience and the ability to fully trust Him. Instead of "take away my pain", I pray for God to use me, help me use this experience for His works. Phew, that's a hard one. They're all hard, and I don't even understand them fully, but we are talking (God and I), and we are figuring it out. To quote the author Philip Yancey, "Maybe sometimes God keeps us in the dark about 'why' not so much because He wants to keep us in the dark, as because He knows we are incapable of absorbing so much light."
We got home from the hospital a little after 5pm. Brad stopped and picked up sandwiches on the way home. I downed my 6 inch sub like it was going out of style! I took a couple IB Profen, drank a glass of water (important to drink lots of liquids after a CT scan...except alcohol and caffeine, FYI) and my head hit the pillow on the couch. I took one of those naps where you wake up with a wet pillow and drool all over your cheek. It was awesome. Today (Fri), I received word that my pap test came back normal. Hallelujah! So, here we are once again strapped into our seats, sitting on top of the first big hill, about to go down (this is the best part), and start the roller-coaster all over again. Today is a wonderful today! Wednesday was rough, but it's part of my life, and I have my friends, my family, and my faith to get me through. Thank God for that! Until next time, gonna keep on keepin on....loving, living, praying, and enjoying every bit this life.
No comments:
Post a Comment