Surrendering on Good Friday

Today is Good Friday.  I woke up to this sunny, beautiful morning!

But, I didn't sleep well last night.  I haven't all week.  I've been doing a lot of thinking, praying, stressing, praying, thinking.  On Wednesday afternoon, we received the results from my 3 month check up with the gyn/oncologist.  The tests I had on Tuesday revealed some abnormal cells.  The nurse stressed, "don't worry, it's not cancer"... they're just abnormal.  The oncologist wants to see me again in 3 weeks.

My initial reaction was: of course, it's happening again, here we go.  Ever since my initial cancer diagnoses 2 years ago, I've been waiting for this bad news.  I have had good results every 3 months for 2 years.  Every time it seems almost too good to be true.  Could this nightmare really be over?  A thing of the past?  But then here's that pessimistic whisper in the back of my head, saying, just wait for it.  It will come back to haunt you.

My second reaction was to lay on the kitchen floor and cry. I can't do this again, not again. It's going to ruin all our plans.  This is it, this is my story, the end of me.  I was finally beginning to feel like I could breathe again, and now this.  Back to square one...I just can't...

But, I have to get up.  How?  Willie just woke up from his nap, he needs me.  How?  I can't even move.  I've got to stand up.  I've go to live my life.  How?

Like a zombie?  That's what I felt like Wednesday.  I got up and I went through the motions.  My mind was everywhere else...from my best case scenario to my worst case scenario and everything in between.  Worrying, stressing, crying.  Wondering about the Hows.  And then I opened my email.

There in a daily devotional, was my answer.  I can do this through Christ.  That's How.  We can do all things through Him, who gives us strength.  I must surrender myself.  Like really, really do it this time.  Finally, do it.  It's easy to say "I've surrendered".  It's even easier to have the intentions of surrendering...down the road...when I'm not trying to get done what I want to get done in this life first.  But, now here it is...looking right back at me.  Saying, this is the answer, this is the time.  It's not on our terms.

And, that's the hard part.  It's not on our terms.  It's on God's terms.  Does that mean everything will be ok? Essentially, yes, that's exactly what it means.  But...on my terms...everything being ok means that I'm healthy,  that our family grows, and that this family remains together and that we are all healthy and safe.  So, is this what God has in store for me and for us?  I don't know.  Here is where faith steps in....or should I say barges in.  When a regular afternoon turns into sobbing on the kitchen floor, there's only one thing that can help you get back up.  Faith.  Faith in knowing that everything will be ok.  It will.  In the end, everything will fall into place and work perfectly.  This may mean I get sick again, it may mean any number of other diseases or worldly disasters.  But, there is a plan.  And, I have faith in that.

There was a little prayer in this devotional email from Wednesday.  After I read it, it's all I could think about.  I need to surrender my life to God.  For real this time.  If it is His will, let me be healed...but if not, then I am part of a bigger plan, and I am ok with that.  This little idea (or huge really) had me laying awake at night.  It's a hard thing to think about and a hard thing to say out loud.  But, the idea of saying it...or praying it...made me feel at peace...not so worried about the future.  Because, in the end, it will be ok.

The devotional said:

“Father, if this problem, pain, sickness, or circumstance is needed to fulfill your purpose and glory in my life or in another’s life, please don’t take it away!"

Wow.  I get it.  I've been praying and begging all this time, "heal me, heal me, heal me".  But, there's so much more than that!  It shot straight to my core, I finally get it.  So, I carried this prayer around in my pocket for 3 days.  Literally.  I left the email open on my phone and looked at it from time to time.  The original message was about Jesus and the great sacrifice on the cross.  Even though Jesus got scared, in the end, He gave himself for us.  And, that's the most important lesson of all.

So, on this beautiful morning, I did it.  I spent my time on my knees, as the warm sunshine fell in through the window, while Willie slept peacefully in bed and Brad was on his way to work.  God and I had a little chat. And, I'm not gonna say that I'm not scared and that I don't wonder what the future holds, what I will find out from the oncologist in 3 weeks.  But, I will say that I'm ok.  I'm really ok now.




(The original devotional can be found here at PurposeDriven)

Adoption: To the Pregnant, to the Birth Mamas...

Sometimes, when I'm having a hard day during this "waiting" phase of our adoption, I find myself on our adoption agency website (American Adoptions).  I browse through the Domestic Adoption Situations... in case there's something calling to me (usually these special circumstances are way over our budget), then I will look through the other Waiting Families...sizing up our competition I guess.  I will look at our family's profile, wishing I would have said something different, used a different picture, worn cooler clothes or gotten a trendier haircut.  Although I know none of these things will shorten our wait, they help me get through the hard days.  While Willie naps, I obsess about the baby we are longing for.  The baby we are praying for, even though we don't even know if it has a heartbeat yet.

So yesterday, was one of those days.  As I was browsing American Adoptions, I came across a video aimed towards women considering adoption.  I started watching it, and was shocked at what I saw!  The pregnant woman in the video clicked on OUR faces as she scrolled through profiles!  Then, I saw us...with Willie...twirling him on the beach.  And, at the end, a close-up of Willie!  I couldn't believe it!  They used footage from our profile for this promotional ad!  

During those hard days, aside from obsessing on the internet, I write in my adoption journal, and I pray.  It never fails, when I'm feeling really down and discouraged, as if we will never connect with a birth mom and never raise another baby, God gives me a little hope.  Just a glimpse, something to hold on to, urging me to keep the faith. 

So, there it is!  I am so excited that we are part of this wonderful message!  But, as I watched this, it also reminded me of how hard this decision is for birth moms.  

To you, dear birth mother:

I have no idea what you are going through.  What a wonderful, loving woman you are to consider adoption for your unborn child.  I don't know how to give you peace, or how to comfort you as you struggle with so many choices.  However, I can tell you about the only thing I know...Love...

This child may be born with your beautiful eyes...I will make sure he sees the world without judgement.

This child may have your long fingers, your strong hands...I will teach her to use them to help the needy.

This child may have your smile, your lips, your dimple...I will help them change the world through their speech.

This child will have your genetics, your heart, your lungs, your mind...together, through your love and our love, this precious baby will grow strong and humble, spreading love, kindness and forgiveness.

To view our family profile, please visit American Adoptions by clicking here.

My Wednesday - as seen from Friday

On Wednesday I had an appointment with my oncologist.  Another 3 months has passed....all too soon.  It's been 90 days since my last appointment...an emotional roller-coaster that lasts 90 days.  Only the end isn't fun.  It's stressful, and it's scary, and it sucks.  

It was also time for a 6 month CT scan, which meant a long day in the hospital.  Willie and I drove to Madison and met Brad at noon at the hospital.  We met in the parking garage, parked on the roof like we always do.  We rode the elevator down to the ground floor, and walked through the hospital doors together...the smell of disinfectant and cafeteria food hitting me in the face, making me feel sick.  Too many memories of those revolving doors....walking through them for biopsies, CT scans, MRI, 3 surgeries, 28 days of radiation.  It makes me sick...every. single. time. 

Like I said, the day was long, so I'm gonna bi-pass the details.  Here's the short (haha) version: I get an IV, drink 3 tall glasses of "contrast" flavored with powdered lemonade (the 1st glass is ok, the 2nd is tolerable, the 3rd makes me want to throw up) over the period of an hour, get a CT scan, get diarrhea from the contrast, wait for appointment with gynecology oncologist (I am now free to eat & drink for the first time that day since the scan is over, but I'm too nervous and sick to stomach anything), wait for the doctor with the scan results, wait for the doctor, wait for the doctor...& finally see the doctor, get the results, have the exam/pap, schedule my next appointment....90 days from Wednesday.  This process totaled 4/1/2 hours and left me feeling.....great!  Clean CT scan results will do that to you every time!!  

Even though I received my good results, for the 6th time in the 18 months that I've been cancer free (woo woo!), it's still overwhelming.  To receive good news is overwhelming, to wait for the appointment is overwhelming, to worry and to try not to worry, and to pray and to plead, and to try to understand and justify...it's all just so overwhelming.  So, it's hard.  And, worst of all, it strains my relationships...with my family, with my husband, with my son.  I yelled at Willie Wednesday morning.  ME...I never yell...and I did.  I yelled at him, and the minute I did I felt like the worst mom in the world.  Luckily, he's 23 months, and he didn't care...actually he laughed.  He laughed and I cried.  Maybe he laughed as a defense mechanism, I don't know.  But, I cried because I was overwhelmed.  I was scared, I was trying to brush my teeth before I drove to the hospital, and I was scared...the kind of scared that makes your bones ache.  I hope you don't know what I'm talking about.

It strains my relationship with Brad.  I get stressed and I get tense and I can't think of anything or anyone else.  A day or two before my appointment I stop functioning.  I can't cook, or clean, or do the dishes.  I can't.  I try not to let this happen, but inevitably it does.  About every 88 days, the roller-coaster slows down and comes to a halt.  So, I neglect the man that I love the most.  And, he understands.  He's been there with me the whole time...holding my hand during a biopsy, rubbing my neck before I'm taken to the OR, smiling at me as I wake up from surgery, taking care of Willie when I couldn't, treating me to margaritas after receiving good results, and being there, always, always being there.

As we got back to our cars, Wednesday, on the roof of the parking ramp, I realized I was exhausted.  I was hungry...really hungry.  I had a headache, a throbbing tension headache.  Did I mention I was exhausted?  Physically, emotionally, spiritually.  I've been a Christian as long as I can remember.  I thought I had faith, but looking back, I can now see how shallow it once was.  And, it's still growing, trust me!  I've been praying for a long time.  But, over the past 2 years my prayers have changed a lot.  Instead of "heal me", I pray for God to give me strength, as I know He's always with me.  Instead of "show me why", I pray for patience and the ability to fully trust Him.  Instead of "take away my pain", I pray for God to use me, help me use this experience for His works.  Phew, that's a hard one.  They're all hard, and I don't even understand them fully, but we are talking (God and I), and we are figuring it out.  To quote the author Philip Yancey, "Maybe sometimes God keeps us in the dark about 'why' not so much because He wants to keep us in the dark, as because He knows we are incapable of absorbing so much light."

We got home from the hospital a little after 5pm.  Brad stopped and picked up sandwiches on the way home.  I downed my 6 inch sub like it was going out of style!  I took a couple IB Profen, drank a glass of water (important to drink lots of liquids after a CT scan...except alcohol and caffeine, FYI) and my head hit the pillow on the couch.  I took one of those naps where you wake up with a wet pillow and drool all over your cheek.  It was awesome.  Today (Fri), I received word that my pap test came back normal.  Hallelujah!  So, here we are once again strapped into our seats, sitting on top of the first big hill, about to go down (this is the best part), and start the roller-coaster all over again.  Today is a wonderful today!  Wednesday was rough, but it's part of my life, and I have my friends, my family, and my faith to get me through.  Thank God for that!  Until next time, gonna keep on keepin on....loving, living, praying, and enjoying every bit this life.