Today is Good Friday. I woke up to this sunny, beautiful morning!
But, I didn't sleep well last night. I haven't all week. I've been doing a lot of thinking, praying, stressing, praying, thinking. On Wednesday afternoon, we received the results from my 3 month check up with the gyn/oncologist. The tests I had on Tuesday revealed some abnormal cells. The nurse stressed, "don't worry, it's not cancer"... they're just abnormal. The oncologist wants to see me again in 3 weeks.
My initial reaction was: of course, it's happening again, here we go. Ever since my initial cancer diagnoses 2 years ago, I've been waiting for this bad news. I have had good results every 3 months for 2 years. Every time it seems almost too good to be true. Could this nightmare really be over? A thing of the past? But then here's that pessimistic whisper in the back of my head, saying, just wait for it. It will come back to haunt you.
My second reaction was to lay on the kitchen floor and cry. I can't do this again, not again. It's going to ruin all our plans. This is it, this is my story, the end of me. I was finally beginning to feel like I could breathe again, and now this. Back to square one...I just can't...
But, I have to get up. How? Willie just woke up from his nap, he needs me. How? I can't even move. I've got to stand up. I've go to live my life. How?
Like a zombie? That's what I felt like Wednesday. I got up and I went through the motions. My mind was everywhere else...from my best case scenario to my worst case scenario and everything in between. Worrying, stressing, crying. Wondering about the Hows. And then I opened my email.
There in a daily devotional, was my answer. I can do this through Christ. That's How. We can do all things through Him, who gives us strength. I must surrender myself. Like really, really do it this time. Finally, do it. It's easy to say "I've surrendered". It's even easier to have the intentions of surrendering...down the road...when I'm not trying to get done what I want to get done in this life first. But, now here it is...looking right back at me. Saying, this is the answer, this is the time. It's not on our terms.
And, that's the hard part. It's not on our terms. It's on God's terms. Does that mean everything will be ok? Essentially, yes, that's exactly what it means. But...on my terms...everything being ok means that I'm healthy, that our family grows, and that this family remains together and that we are all healthy and safe. So, is this what God has in store for me and for us? I don't know. Here is where faith steps in....or should I say barges in. When a regular afternoon turns into sobbing on the kitchen floor, there's only one thing that can help you get back up. Faith. Faith in knowing that everything will be ok. It will. In the end, everything will fall into place and work perfectly. This may mean I get sick again, it may mean any number of other diseases or worldly disasters. But, there is a plan. And, I have faith in that.
There was a little prayer in this devotional email from Wednesday. After I read it, it's all I could think about. I need to surrender my life to God. For real this time. If it is His will, let me be healed...but if not, then I am part of a bigger plan, and I am ok with that. This little idea (or huge really) had me laying awake at night. It's a hard thing to think about and a hard thing to say out loud. But, the idea of saying it...or praying it...made me feel at peace...not so worried about the future. Because, in the end, it will be ok.
The devotional said:
“Father, if this problem, pain, sickness, or circumstance is needed to fulfill your purpose and glory in my life or in another’s life, please don’t take it away!"
Wow. I get it. I've been praying and begging all this time, "heal me, heal me, heal me". But, there's so much more than that! It shot straight to my core, I finally get it. So, I carried this prayer around in my pocket for 3 days. Literally. I left the email open on my phone and looked at it from time to time. The original message was about Jesus and the great sacrifice on the cross. Even though Jesus got scared, in the end, He gave himself for us. And, that's the most important lesson of all.
So, on this beautiful morning, I did it. I spent my time on my knees, as the warm sunshine fell in through the window, while Willie slept peacefully in bed and Brad was on his way to work. God and I had a little chat. And, I'm not gonna say that I'm not scared and that I don't wonder what the future holds, what I will find out from the oncologist in 3 weeks. But, I will say that I'm ok. I'm really ok now.
(The original devotional can be found here at PurposeDriven)
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